The Guide To Being The Favorite
by SarcasticFangirlFromDownBelow
Summary: Aka the time in which Poseidon is a yaoi fanboy, Zeus is a mamma's boy and Hades is a massive dork who named his pet dog Spot.


**A/N: Or the time the Big Three almost started World War Three because they were arguing over which one of them was Mother Rhea's favorite. Don't take it too seriously, this is meant to be a crack fanfic.**

* * *

In hindsight, it had all technically been Hestia's fault; after all, she had been the one to bring up the topic of their mother coming to visit in the first place. But of course, nobody was willing to blame sweet and gentle Hestia for anything. Not only would it be like throwing away an entire basket of puppies but all the Olympians would curse you horribly for the rest of your probably not very long existence. So in the end, Zeus blamed Hades, Hades blamed Zeus, and Poseidon locked himself in his palace and pretended to be suffering from a severe case of amnesia (Apollo pointed out that he was the god of healing but he quickly backed down after the water in his goblet suddenly rose up and hit him in the face).

It had been the Winter Solstice and nothing was particularly out of the ordinary (well... ordinary for the Greek gods that is). Or rather, nothing was particularly out of the ordinary until Hestia burst in, skirts billowing around her and a full-blown smile gracing her delicate features. An immediate hush had fallen over the room, because this kind of behavior from Hestia, who was usually so calm and discreet, was truly peculiar.

"Mother Rhea is coming to visit!" Hestia cried, in the most excited voice the gods had heard her use.

Immediately Demeter smiled and started speaking in rapid succession about what nutritious food she could bake. Hera stopped her full-time occupation of glaring viciously at any and all nymph or goddess that so much as breathed in Zeus' direction and rose smoothly (read: leaped out of her throne) to accompany (read: drag off) Hestia to one of the mortal supermarkets in order to purchase a gift for their mother. Poseidon appeared rather surprised, and then frowned when he remembered Athena threatening to tattle to Rhea about all his recent fights with his brothers. Zeus however was, in a word, ecstatic; he looked like a child in a Christmas store, and if it hadn't been for the master bolt lying a few centimeters away from his reach, half the gods in the throne room would be snickering and nudging each other and muttering 'mama's boy.' Finally, Hades made what might be his biggest admission of positive emotion yet by softening his ferocious scowl in the direction of every living thing within a mile of him and quirking the edges of his lips upwards in the barest hint of a smile.

Poseidon frowned at Zeus' excited expression, "Aren't you even a little concerned that Mother will be upset with you for cheating on Hera again?" He asked bluntly.

"Why would I be? She won't be angry at me, I'm her favorite." Zeus boasted with a smug smile. Poseidon's frown deepened, and he opened his mouth to say something but was cut off suddenly and sharply by Hades. The Lord of the Dead had risen with mechanical elegance and stepped away from his temporary throne, contorted shadows twisting around him in an eerie vortex as he glowered at Zeus with contempt.

"Uh oh." Apollo and Hermes muttered, noticing the beginnings of a fight forming.

"Oh yes." Ares said, leaning forward and staring intently, eager for some conflict; however he was quickly pulled back by Athena and whacked upside the head by Artemis.

"Excuse me?" Hades spoke in a low voice.

Zeus slid his eyes over to his dark brother, feigning a bored expression, "Did you want something, Hades?"

"Oh nothing brother, it's just, well, I could almost swear that you'd just said you were the favorite." Hades' mouth curled into a derisive grin, and he tilted his head in a mocking manner, "But... well, that couldn't possibly be right, could it?"

You could hear a pin drop in the throne room as Zeus rose threateningly from his seat.

"You heard me right, Hades. Would you mind sharing exactly why this is so amusing for you?"

Hades' shark grin, if possible, widened even further, "Because, little brother, I'm the oldest."

"Ooh damn!" Dionysus exclaimed, and every head in the room swiveled around to stare at him, "Sorry..." He murmured sheepishly and gradually all attention was reverted back to Hades and Zeus (who now had miniature lightning bolts sparking off his skin).

"I'll show you who-"

"Alright! That's enough!" Poseidon yelled, flashing in between Hades and Zeus (who had almost been touching noses so the three were momentarily caught in a rather awkward position). Poseidon was met with two matching fiery glares from a livid King of the Underworld and an even more livid King of the Gods.

"Girls, girls, you're both pretty, stop squabbling." Athena stated in a patronizing voice, not even looking up from her book.

Hades and Zeus both looked indignant.

"This is not a contest..." Poseidon said, "But if it was... I'd obviously be the favorite." He finished with a flourish, flashing a set of perfect, pearl white teeth.

Now Hades and Zeus looked about ten times as indignant and great deal more pissed off than they had been before.

"Time to go." Athena said under her breath, pulling out her "When The Big Three Throw A Hissy Fit" manual and beginning to herd the gaping crowd out of the door (Athena was obligated to ask Aphrodite to drag Ares away, as the god of war refused to be moved by anyone else and had been repeating 'fight, fight, fight' ever since the beginning of the stand-off). Meanwhile, said Big Three were completely oblivious to everything but the sanctity of their enormous egos.

"You? The favorite?" Zeus taunted, "Ha! As if! Not likely seaweed brain."

"For once, I'm inclined to side with airhead." Hades agreed.

"Death breath!"

"Bolt boy!"

"Bonehead!"

"Sparky!"

Poseidon gave his brothers a deadpan look, "And this is exactly why Mother likes me best, you're both morons."

Hades raised his eyebrows, "Oh really? Out of the three of us, which one can actually spell a word that is above first grade English?"

He was met with silence.

"Exactly." Hades declared smugly.

"I can still beat you at arm wrestling!" Zeus replied defensively, Hades crossed his arms and sulked (when confronted in the future he would deny that he had, in fact, pouted).

"I can beat you _both_ at arm wrestling." Poseidon intoned firmly. This, of course, immediately sparked a brawl between him and Zeus.

"Arm wrestling is stupid." Hades moaned petulantly a while later, having been positively thrashed five times by both Poseidon and Zeus each (said two deities had been locked in a stalemate for the last three and a half hours and were currently engaged in their seventh round of 'I spy with my little eye'). As Hades stared disinterestedly, with his chin propped up in his right hand, at a random spot on the wall, a sudden idea began to form in his mind.

"That could work." Hades intoned quietly to himself. Zeus and Poseidon both looked up at the noise, and were more than a little freaked out to see their brother sporting one of his decidedly more creepy I-hold-your-life-in-the-palm-of-my-hand-so-you-better-not-piss-me-off smiles. Hades stood up and strolled leisurely over to his brothers, leaning against the column nearest to Zeus and still grinning widely.

"...That is freaky." Zeus noted.

"Yeah no kidding." Poseidon mumbled.

"I can't help but notice how terribly bored you both look," Hades commented sweetly. Zeus and Poseidon shared a worried glance, "This isn't really much of a contest is it? It would be _far_ more interesting if we were to say... oh I don't know, maybe include a few weapons?"

Poseidon's forehead creased as he thought, "He has a point."

Hades smirked, "Of course I do, come on Zeusy, you're not _scared_ are you?"

That had the desired effect. Zeus leaped up and struck out his hand, his pack of lightning bolts instantly flying into his palm. Poseidon held his hands out in front of him and the floor split open with a great rumble, followed by a jet of water and his golden trident.

"That was mahogany..." Zeus muttered, annoyed. Poseidon shot him a 'what-the-actual-Hades?' look.

"Not bad." Hades admitted. Then he raised his arms and the room darkened, a swirling vortex of pitch blackness opened up on the opposite end of the throne room and the sound of a thousand souls screaming emitted from within. Twisting darkness dimmed the shine of the room, as if someone had opened the floodgates to a sea of shadows, and a glinting piece of metal flew through the air and into Hades' waiting hands.

"But I'm better." Hades finished with a self-satisfied simper.

Poseidon rolled his eyes, "And here I thought Zeus was the drama queen."

"Hey!" Zeus and Hades exclaimed in unison.

"Whatever," Poseidon waved his hand dismissively, "Now are we gonna do this thing or not?"

"Going to! Going to!" Came Athena's distant yell.

"Wow, she's more of a grammar Nazi than you are, Hades." Zeus teased.

Hades glared, "Well at least I don't stroke my master bolt and sleep in bed with it."

Poseidon snickered while Zeus blushed and sputtered furiously, "Wha- I do not- how dare you?!" Zeus raged, "And don't you talk to me until you name your dog something other than Spot!"

Hades, in a rather undignified manner, stuck his tongue out, "I do what I want." He sang tauntingly. Zeus poked him with his master bolt and Hades yelped.

"No you don't. I'm the king. So you gotta do everything I tell you."

Poseidon raised an eyebrow, "Everything?"

Zeus hesitated, sensing a trap, but then shrugged and replied, "Yep."

Poseidon opened his mouth to reply but Hades beat him to it, "Firstly, you ain't my king cause I'm the oldest and I can totally tell you what to do, it's in the bro agreement. Secondly, ouch! Thirdly, I'm not your bitch motherfucker."

Zeus glared while Poseidon looked between the two of them with raised eyebrows. "What?" Hades and Zeus demanded.

Poseidon grinned, "You two are sleeping together aren't you? Who tops? Have you slept together?"

* * *

Hera had been hanging out around the throne room after her shopping spree with Hestia (she totally wasn't stalking Zeus to make sure he didn't cheat on her again, or anything, that would be utterly ludicrous) but she wasn't foolish enough to actually enter. The last god dumb enough to go into the throne room while the Big Three were having another one of their spats had been Apollo. No one liked to talk about what happened to him.

But when she heard the words, "You two are sleeping together aren't you?" She knew instantly the words had been directed at Zeus and all rational though left her. Filled with a righteous fury, she flung the throne room doors open and strode in, mouth already open to yell at her husband and curse the unfortunate mortal stupid enough to fall for him.

The sight that greeted Hera would forever make her question the sanity of the universe.

Zeus was chasing Poseidon around and yelling "Pikachu I choose you!" while throwing lightning bolts (rather inaccurately) at him. Poseidon was jumping over thrones and giggling madly, occasionally brandishing his trident and singing "Hades and Zeus sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" And Hades... well Hades looked like he'd just seen Ares doing a lap dance half naked, he was sitting on the ground, cradling his helmet of darkness and humming what sounded like the Big Bang Theory theme song while rocking back and forth.

Hera spun on her heel with a decided 'nope' and shut the door firmly behind her.

(After she had put off mentioning the incident as much as possible, Hera finally revealed to Mother Rhea why Zeus, Poseidon and Hades had appeared so incredibly tense at the dinner later that evening, then she suggested a few well-renowned therapists she knew of and promptly left. Rhea, amazingly, handled this with extraordinary calm and proceeded to pull the boys to their respective rooms by their ears and then ground them).

* * *

Rhea sighed, "I just don't know what to do with those three anymore. They can be so incredibly stubborn at times."

Hestia nodded in acknowledgement, "Yes, I know mother, they can be quite a handful. But they're brothers, brothers squabble all the time. I'm sure they love each other really."

Rhea's shoulders relaxed as she smiled at her daughter, "Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right."

There was a second of silence, followed by, "You always give such great advice darling, it's why you're my favorite."

Underneath her red embroided hood, Hestia smirked. Checkmate.

* * *

 **A/N: I thought some humor was well deserved after the depressing barbecue of my last few stories. Let me know what you think!**


End file.
